When Your Abuser Dies

Last year, I had to – for the most part – start overwriting The House of Jezebel: Fulfilling Destiny in Spite of Your Upbringing. For nearly two decades, my previous writings were based on my Christian upbringing. But as I soon got serious about discerning the paranormal events that I experienced as a child, I underwent a spiritual awakening. I suddenly woke up to the realization that the religious beliefs of my childhood no longer appealed to me. Actually, I speak more on this topic in a blog post entitled Why I Quit Church? ⛪

Nevertheless, diverting from traditional Christianity onto the path of Self-realization meant I’d needed to start over – not only in reestablishing my belief system but also in my autobiographical writings. That also meant I needed to start promoting The House of Jezebel from a Gnostic or the New Thought perspective. I share more on this spiritual transformation process in the first three episodes of #thojbook podcast. 👂

In having to start afresh, especially when forced to let go of outdated beliefs and intuitively discern new ones, every chapter seemed like it was the worse [to write]. Only later being recognized as a form of therapy within itself, whenever a chapter was finished, I’d breathe a sigh of relief and think: “Now that wasn’t so bad!” 😌 That’s until I got ready to write the next one. That’s when panic and procrastination would set in. 😱

At present, I’m editing the previously-written chapters alongside finishing up the final chapter of Part B: The Energetic Imprint of a Jezebel. That entire section has proven to be the hardest to write/face but I’ve already convinced myself that Part C: The Path to I AM will be a piece of cake. The chapter-by-chapter outline provides insights on why I believe this to be so. ✍

Now, the final chapter in Part B entitled Financial Ties that Bind, has brought to the surface a lot of erroneous beliefs regarding money. Throughout my upbringing well into adulthood (and even in death), my Jezebel used money as a form of control. Even in death, she still tried to use the money to shame me into her submissive will. Read that again – EVEN IN DEATH! So what happens when your Jezebel dies? Should you – out of obligation – attend his/her wake/funeral? Or should go about your merry little way?

Are You Speaking Ill of the Death?

Boy have I had my share of distractions in writing this book. Yet the greatest one by far was the unexpected demise of my Jezebel. Having passed away earlier this year, I used my blog to “grieve” her loss. Okay, I’m being facetious but nonetheless, I shared my thoughts, feelings and whatnot through these posts:

  1. The Cyclicality of Life & Death: Who Told You Death was the End?
  2. Jezebel’s Shadow Side: It’s All About Controlling Others
  3. The Ritualistic Death of a Jezebel: The Confirmation of a Demonic Entity
  4. Goodbye & Farewell, My Jezebel: Two Moms, Different Outcomes
  5. WANTED: A Compassionate Jezebel?!? In Search of Love in Spite of One’s Hatred
  6. The Backwardness of a Jezebel: Dem Jezebels Play Dirty Ya’ll

Aside from them, in the fourth episode of #thojbook entitled Writing & the Death of a Jezebel, I share a comical review of her obituary which was passed on to me by another relative. Notice I said it was “passed on to me.” 😶

But to be honest, her death was no laughing (or crying) matter. All it did was stirred up a lot of harsh and hurtful memories. Truthfully, it’s been six months since her death and I’m still searching for at least one happy memory or thought of her. I highly doubt anything will ever come to mind. On the other hand, I have lots of warm memories of my current immediate family. Perhaps that’s a lesson learned from my house of Jezebel experience – to create some true and authentic memories with the ones you love. 👪

A Pre-Planned Decision Not to Attend

Several years ago, I contemplated whether or not I would attend the funeral of my Jezebel. At that time, I had no indication that she was even ill yet the thought still crossed my mind. Unsure of what to do because I was raised in an environment where my Jezebel told me what to do and how to think, I took to the Internet in search of help. Surely, there were others who faced the same dilemma.

Still operating from a Christian mindset, I was elated when I came across the Luke 17:3 Ministries blog post entitled When Your Abuser or Estranged Relative Dies: Condolences, Obituaries, and Going to the Funeral. Here’s an excerpt:

One of the biggest dilemmas faced by escapees from abusive families is what to do when our abuser or estranged relative dies. Should we make an appearance at the wake and funeral, or not? Should we go to the burial? Should we send flowers? Should we offer condolences – and if so, to whom? To the very people who took our abuser’s side against us or shunned us from their family? What kind of an act will we have to put on if people offer condolences to US? How will we be able to pretend that the death of our abuser was a great loss, when we can’t even come up with one nice thing to say about them? (source)

The article helped me to make the decision early on. It goes on to share the results of an informal survey in which four out of 72 respondents said they would/did go to the funeral of their estranged relative. Just like those four, my religious upbringing implied that I should attend too. Yet, I struggled with questions like: Would other relatives be mad if I didn’t attend? Or worse, would God be mad and punish me somehow? What if there was money involved? Would I jump through hoops for a boatload of money? For me to even think about all of this that long ago was a clear indication that I was already steering away from “the traditions of men” path.

In the years prior, I had already broken free from my Jezebel’s grip, so I wasn’t trying to force myself back into that environment. Yet there was still concern about not attending. What if my Jezebel haunted me for not going? Well, I needed to make up my mind. If I wasn’t going, then that meant I needed to get up the nerve – when the time came – to not go (and not feel justified in not going). I eventually convinced myself that I wasn’t going to be forced back into an unhealthy environment just because such-and-such passed away regardless of who such-and-such was. If I was led by God to go, then I would. PERIOD!!!

The Time is Now

Fast forward to exactly a year ago, I found myself revisiting this topic due to a dream I had had about a bleeding (sun) heart.❣ Since no one in my sphere of influence had any type of heart problem, the thought came to me that maybe it was my Jezebel who by now would have been in her 80s. Was she sick? And if so, why hadn’t anybody reached out to me?

Frankly, I was of the mind that regardless if one was estranged or not, wouldn’t it be common courtesy to inform others regarding any major health issues? Like – don’t wait until they are on their deathbed to pick up the phone unless it was truly unexpected! To deliberately wait until the person has only a  few hours to live when everyone else has known about said sickness or ailment for months if not years beforehand is almost like a spit in the face (unless of course, that’s what you were aiming for). But anyway, since I hadn’t heard from her in all these years, I started to wonder – based on her age alone – if she was close to death. I also started to wonder if perhaps I should – as they say – be the “bigger person” and make the first move by reaching out to her. But in doing so, that meant I’d be willingly opening a “portal” in which I was granting her access not only to my life but I would also be “granting access” to whomever she decided to bring with her. And believe me, if she was still operating under the Jezebel Spirit, she would surely being along with her posse. All of this started a debate of sorts in my head, let’s listen in:

Angel (😇): What if she’s changed?

Devil (👿): What if she’s still the same – if not worse in her old age?

Angel (😇): What if YOU could make all of this right by reaching out to her? I’m sure she’d love to hear from you after all this time.

Devil (👿): Yeah I’m sure of it too. I’m guessing she’ll be so happy that she’ll break out into one of my blame games and how you are at fault for everything.

Me: How far back in your “recovery” process will you fall if you reach out to her only to discover that she hasn’t changed one bit?

In the end, I decided I wasn’t willing to find out.

When the Time Came…

When the time came, I did not attend because it was a decision made for me. First, I had already been warned by God several years earlier about “traveling to that state” and that in doing so, I wasn’t being mindful of the company I kept. Then there were job and other personal issues that couldn’t be dropped at a moment’s notice. All of this is quite interesting seeing as hope I was totally unaware of a guideline supposedly in her Will of my being disinherited if I did not attend. If I had known that in advance, I surely wouldn’t have jumped through hoops to attend. But honestly, I’m glad Spirit made the decision for me by letting life get in the way.

Why? Because if that “guideline” was true, then that proved she was still the same person as I had grown up with. She was still hateful and spiteful when she couldn’t gain control over another person. It also proved how the people around her had the same or similar mindset as she did. You know what they say when money is involved! People will do and say anything to get it, right?!? But stop and think: If an estranged relative was to “inherit” everything, as the executor of the will, wouldn’t it behoove you to keep your mouth shut? Isn’t it interesting how I found out about this “stipulation” two weeks after the funeral? Isn’t it interesting how the executor was “too overcome with grief” to call or even text funeral details to provide the proof needed to show he had done his part? 🤔 Didn’t I tell ya’ll dem Jezebel (and their eunuchs) play dirty? They shoo nuff do boo-boo! They shoo nuff do! 😀

Honestly, I wasn’t concerned with money. After breaking free from my Jezebel, I had accomplished feats for myself that would cause her to turn over in her grave if she knew about them simply because she didn’t have a hand in their manifestation. I recall point-blank telling the executor that I wasn’t “expecting” anything – that I expected to be written out/off. If I received anything, then fine, but I wasn’t about to sell my soul for any amount of money. I wasn’t about to fight or scheme anyone into doing anything for me. If I stooped to that level, then I would be putting myself on the same level as my Jezebel and I simply wasn’t about all of that.

Again, Spirit knows best. Spirit made sure I couldn’t attend anyway to protect me from having to “fake and shake”. To protect me from getting caught up in my Jezebel’s drama of which I would have been blinded to anyway. But don’t you too find it stranger how with the exception of the executor’s sporadic calls to the other strangers calling or trolling my social media for gossip that there was dead silence. All of which brings up these find points:

https://twitter.com/starsmoonandsun/status/733155346559172608

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About DrJaketha Farmer

A certified spiritual life coach, natural health consultant, energy healer and author of the forthcoming book - The House of Jezebel; Fulfilling Destiny in Spite of Your Upbringing, Dr. Jaketha knows a thing or two about overcoming challenges having spent over two-thirds of life either living in or trying to escape the matrix mindset as a result of being raised in the house of Jezebel. Traveling along with her as she continues to unravel this spiraling journey toward healing and restoration. Learn more about her everyday life experiences on her author site at http://www.jaketha.com/.

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